Okay, today is the day. Today I will get my shit together and start this thing. I’ll watch what I eat. I won’t eat any sugar, and I will get back to my exercising…
Lousy sleep, disorganised kitchen, stressful day ahead, tension with one of the children and, hey, is that a piece of leftover cheesecake in the fridge?
This, it seems, is my life. I have no real excuses other than at times or seasons in my life I can handle everything that is going on in and around me a hell of a lot better than at other times. The difference being what I eat and how much of what I eat – I eat.
I am an emotional eater. I get that. I specialise in addiction counselling so I really do get that. I eat because I don’t want to feel whatever it is that I am feeling or I eat because I want to feel happy. I eat in the same way my clients use opioids. The only difference is that what I do is socially acceptable. What I do will still kill me – perhaps not as fast as it takes someone who is using opioids but eventually, yes, it will kill me.
In the meantime I will be mocked and shamed and tossed aside by society – looked upon with condemnation in everyone’s eyes – lectured by all the same people who by profession alone should be supportive and encouraging. In that sense I can understand and appreciate very much what each of my clients are facing.
But we are not in this together because that is the really brutal part of any type of addiction – how isolating it is.
Yes I think it is fair to say that I have an eating addiction.
So, facing this reality in my life is scary. Recognising that in a sense I cannot do this on my own is humbling. Understanding how much it has cost me over the years is scary. So much loss, so much anger, so much self-loathing, so much isolating. I want to get well and by get well I want to lose the weight and keep it off. I can lose weight – I can lose a lot of weight in short periods of time so that is not the problem. Keeping it off is the problem.
So, this time I want to lose the weight slowly and methodically, changing my mind, my heart with my body. And perhaps all of this boils down to life timing. The last of my children graduating and I am sure she will follow through with her pent up desires to move out and conquer the world by this time next year so that will only leave my wife and I. Free to make some life changes as our focus turns back to the both of us and not our children. What does that mean? I have no idea but I am excited by the prospect.
But in the meantime I have this year window that I want to take advantage of to get my health back. I want to get healthy. I want to get myself back to the place where I can actually go for a walk with my wife once again. It has been so long. I don’t want to feel like I need levers and pullies to get myself out of bed in the morning. I want to be small enough to take a bath again and not just have a shower. But most importantly I want to be able to be out in public without people staring at me.
One step at a time. I can feel my stomach growling already. Just writing this damn entry is driving me to the fridge. I must resist.
I can resist.